Update: Herceptin, Aches and Pains, and Panic

Just came home from my latest Herceptin appointment. I saw Dr. Bott as well. I showed him the report that said I have Epstein Barr virus and he didn't think that was what is causing my aches and pains. He said that almost everyone over the age of 20 has had EPV, and that the report doesn't prove that's what is wrong right now. I'm kind of annoyed. I really don't know what to think now. For the last several days, I've felt like I have an excuse for feeling awful and needing to rest more. Now, I don't know what to think.

Also, I asked him about the follow up on the cancer. I've been upset because he isn't going to do any big tests (scans) until something hurts or a cough won't go away, etc. But, he explained today, that each time I come to see him, he has blood work done that shows him if anything is wrong - like in my liver. If something bad shows up in the bloodwork, then he'll do a liver scan (or whatever). I feel much better. Yes, because I'm HER2 positive, if the cancer comes back, it will be aggressive. But, Dr. Bott is being aggressive too. So, that's good. Plus, the Herceptin that I've been taking makes my prognosis much better.

I had a difficult time at the cancer center today. I don't know why - I just didn't want to be there, I guess. I can't wait to be done with the Herceptin treatments - I have to continue until the end of October. I felt like I was having a panic attack while I waited today. I guess just looking into the chemo room was enough to make me feel awful. Hmmm. That's never happened before.

This will all pass, I know.

Everything Just Came Crashing Down...

I had a few weeks, since my last post, to get used to my new chest (and to think a little bit about my reaction). Let me explain...

I had a mastectomy 8 months ago. It was pretty darn traumatic, just like any amputation would be. But, I kept thinking about the reconstruction. It's really the only thing that helped me focus and not lose my freakin' mind. And, I've been through quite a lot since last October. Again, I had that "light at the end of the tunnel" (the reconstrucion) to get me through all the crap that was chemo, expanders, etc. So, I have to tell you, when I looked in that mirror after the doctor took my bandages off, and I saw what I looked like, everything just came crashing down on me - all the horrible things I'd been through... the breast cancer diagnosis, the biopsies, the mastectomy, the chemo treatments, the sickness, the expanding, the pain, the helplessness, the medications, everything. I realized that I'd just been barely getting by without completely going mad - all because I knew that at the end, I'd look normal again. So, you can maybe understand why I reacted the way I did.

I've had some time to kind of analyze my feelings. First of all, why were my expectations so high? Why did I think I'd look completely normal? Well, I think when you're faced with something like a mastectomy, and a doctor tells you it would be best to do it to save your life, and he can rebuild you, then maybe you grab on to the smallest flicker of hope you can. "I can do this awful, monstrous thing because I know that everything will be ok in the end." And then, I didn't let everything that happened to me touch me too deeply, because a) I would have been in a pit of dispair if I let it get to me, and b) it was going to be OK at the end.

The fact is, my expectation was WAAAYYYYY out of line. How could I possibly be put back together and look really good? I mean, if you have to have your leg or arm cut off to save your life, the doctors can do the very best job possible and it still won't be normal. You still will never look right. Why did I think that it would be any different with a chest? I don't know. I think, subconsciously, I was just protecting myself. "It's ok - everything will be just fine." Kind of like you'd talk someone from jumping off the roof of a building - I just talked my mind out of jumping.

I'll be seeing my plastic surgeon again on Monday. I'm doing ok. I'm healing just fine. I've been massaging the implants, trying to get them to soften up and drop down where they'll look the best. We'll wait 2 months, and then look at everything again. I know my doc won't let me be dissatisfied. He'll make me look as good as possible.

I look ok from the outside of my clothes. The only two people who will ever see the imperfections and scars are me and Rick. And we're ok with it. I'm alive. I got through a crappy illness. I'm starting to be myself again, physically and mentally.

I'm happy.

A New Season

First, let me update you... I just had my pre-op visit today with my plastic surgeon. Before I got called back to talk to him, I saw another woman in his waiting room. She obviously was getting over a bout with cancer - her hair was just coming back in. She seemed really happy and I wondered if she was going to have reconstructive surgery, too. When my doctor came in to talk to me, he told me that she just had reconstructive surgery last Thursday. I was amazed! No way!! She seemed fine. After just 5 days. No one brought her - she drove herself and she had a huge smile on her face. So, I guess that I'll have to change my skeptical attitude about how long the doctor said it would take to get better. If this woman is any indication of how I'll feel in a week, then he was right! Anyway, we talked about what he was going to do and how long it would take, etc. I'm feeling pretty good about the surgery. 3 days to go.

As I was writing a blog post on my other site (mystorymoments.blogspot.com), I got thinking about spring and how much I love it, and why. It's a time for renewal. My diagnosis came during a season where everything dies and becomes dormant - the fall and winter of last year. Just like the winter season, my cancer journey seemed to drag on until I thought it would never end. It's a wonderful gift to me that I'm starting to bloom again, just like the trees and flowers outside coming back to life. I'm thinking now about the different seasons and - not just the outside seasons - but the seasons of our lives. There seem to be seasons within the seasons of our lives. Right now I'm in the summer of my life, but experiencing winter and spring within that summer. Does that make sense? This cancer journey has been a hard thing to go through. I'm just glad that I get to see a bunch more seasons come and go. And I have hope that I'll make it to the winter of my life.

What's going on?

So, today I'm not feeling well. It's only been 3 days since my surgery on the parathyroid gland that they took out, so I'm sure that's some of the reason I don't feel well. My neck hurts, but that's normal when it's been cut open. What is really bothering me is that my whole body hurts. I'm not sure why. Every joint and every muscle in my body is sore. It's been like this since my last chemo treatment. I don't know why. Next week is my next Herceptin treatment and I have an appointment with my oncologist, Dr. Bott. So, hopefully he'll be able to tell me what's going on.

One more thing - I'm worried about some things that are going on during the night. I have to go to the bathroom all the time. Like, 6 times a night. Weird. And I am really thirsty - so thirsty that I can't even swallow - whenever I wake up. These are warning signs for diabetes. Wouldn't that just be the icing on the top of my "cake"?!

It's probably nothing - just side effects from the medicines that I'm taking or something. I hate how having cancer makes you question every single thing that goes on in your body.

Hope I feel better soon. The good news - my hair is growing back pretty fast. It's about 1/4 inch long now. And it's coming in dark. That makes me very happy.

Just a Little Update on the Cancer Journey...

I'm starting to feel much better now. It's been almost 7 weeks since my final chemo treatment. The first 3-4 weeks after that last chemo were pretty bad. I became tired and sick much faster than I ever have before. But, now I'm starting to feel like I have more energy. I've stopped taking the anti-nausea medications. Don't need them anymore - good news, since they make me soooo tired. I started walking in the American Fork Cemetery (my favorite place to walk) last week and I have to say, it has really helped my energy level. Bummer that it's FREEZING right now - I'm not quite to the point where I'll walk in freezing weather. :-) I still have a few yucky side effects from the chemo. Mostly, my nails - they are really trashed. All of them have dark streaks running through the nail beds. I had to have the acrylic taken off of my nails - the only thing that makes them strong - because I got an infection under one of them. My finger tips hurt a lot and they are also kind of numb. Weird. My mouth still tastes a little metallic, but I am now able to drink milk - YAY!!! I haven't been able to have a regular glass of milk for 5 months!

I still go every 3 weeks for my Herceptin treatment, but since there are no side effects with that medication, I don't have to worry about feeling crappy. Awhile ago, after my chemo doc looked at some of my blood tests, he told me that my calcium levels were very high. I'm not sure what that really means, or if it was caused by either the cancer or chemo. But, I saw an endocrinologist about it. She scheduled a para-thyroid scan and a bone density scan. The bone density scan was fine - good news, the chemo hasn't hurt my bones. But, the parathyroid scan showed a small tumor (not cancerous) on one of the parathyroids. So, now I have to have a surgery where they slice open my neck (in the front - right in the hollow) and take that parathyroid out. The scar will be anywhere from 1 inch to 3 inches long. Yikes! I have to have that done soon - April 7th. The recovery shouldn't be too bad or take too long. So I have that lovely little procedure to look forward to. I'll have to stay in the hospital overnight so they can monitor the bleeding in my neck and so they can check the calcium levels. Sigh.

As far as the chest expanding goes - it's almost done. I've been expanded to 720cc- the biggest implant they make is 800cc - so I'm pretty much where I need to be. (And no, that doesn't mean that I'll be HUGE - remember, I have zero breast tissue, so the implant is going under pretty much nothing but skin and muscle.) Now, the doc will do 2 more "fills" of 70cc each, on each side, to expand just a little bigger so the implants will fit well. Today is one of those fills. I really hate the fills. The chest muscles are being stretched so tight, that it really hurts. I'm on pain pills almost constantly now - just one a day, though. It usually hurts the most in the late afternoon and evening - after I've been up all day. I'm such a baby when it comes to facing those HUGE syringes of saline with the scary needles attached, that I have to have either my sis or my BF, Lori, holding my hand. No, seriously. It sucks! Good news is that I'm almost done. So, I get to have the reconstructive surgery probably the first week of May! I can't wait. I know it's probably going to really hurt and take a long time to recover from, but I know I'll also feel relief from the expanders.

Here's a quick laugh for you: My 18-yr-old son, Michael, came home from college this last weekend. He gave me a big hug and then said "Your foobs are hard!" Yep, he called them foobs - fake boobs. I laughed so hard I almost choked! What a dork! (He's right though - it's like I have 2 rocks on my chest!)

That's it for the cancer update. I know I've promised to go back and document the journey from the first. I'm still planning on doing that. It's just hard to think about and read my notes from that time - very emotional. I'll get it started soon though. It's actually a very interesting journey.

I haven't said it for a long time, but it is still true... cancer SUCKS!

The Past and Pending

I asked my son Alex to come up with a name for this blog and he came up with The Past and Pending - a Shins song title. It has nothing to do with this blog, but it sounds cool.

Several things have happened in the last few days to make me feel happy. Yesterday, as I was driving south on I-15 in Utah Valley - towards Provo - I realized what an incredibly beautiful day it was. There is nothing like a sunny Utah day - one that comes after a stormy day. The stormy weather clears the air and it's breathtaking - the mountains, covered in snow, are majestic and it just makes you feel so good. So, because I was feeling great, while I was driving to Provo, I started thinking about the good things that have happened that make me happy. I'm kind of tired of being sick, upset, tired, etc. from the cancer, so I've decided to try to be happy and grateful instead. Hmmm....no wonder I feel good!

First of all, I'm through the hardest part of this cancer journey. Finally, I'm through with the chemo. And I'm actually starting to feel better than I've felt for months. In fact, this morning I went for a short walk! Something I haven't been able to do for 8 months. Then, yesterday, I noticed some stubble on my legs. Now, this might sound like bad news to you, but to me it's great! It means that my hair is starting to grow back. I shaved my legs in October and haven't had to shave them since then!

My baby, Matthew, turned 12 this week. He was the last kid to be in both primary (in church) and elementary school. It was a big step for our family. I'm excited for him, but it was kind of bittersweet. I'll have to blog about that some other time.

The thing that has made me those most happy this week is that my missionary son comes home in two weeks. I've been thinking about him every day and it just keeps getting closer. I can't wait. I haven't seen him in 2 years. And I've only talked to him on the phone 4 times.

Yesterday, I was reading a new blog that I'm following and the blogger is so positive and such a good writer. It made me really want to be happy and improve myself. So, here are a few goals I'm going to try to accomplish:

I'd like to be more positive. Even if I'm not feeling great, I'm going to try not to tell anyone that. I think people are just tired of hearing how sick I am. :-) I know I am. I'm feeling great. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling ok. Those are now my only responses. Although, I reserve the right to complain a little after my reconstructive surgery.

I'd like to do a few things each day that will contribute to my recovery and help to make me feel better. I'll try to walk each day. I'll try to remember how much I've been craving water for the past 5 months and drink lots of it every day. I'll try to eat fewer fast food meals and more fruits, veggies, and other good stuff.

I'd like to help my skin to recover. Most especially, the skin on my face. So, I'm going to go find some really good anti-aging type lotion and use it every day. Wrinkles and brown spots - watch out!

And finally, I'd like to become a better blogger. I had a hard time sleeping last night because I was thinking of different things I could blog about. I want to blog about a different thing each day of the week. I'm still working on the schedule, but some of the subjects are: a Family Home Evening lesson (Sundays), a Book of Mormon post or a missionary post (Mondays), My Cancer Journey and Cherish Bound stuff (Tuesdays), Almost Wordless Wednesday (highlighting some of my sons' photographic skills), Book Review - probably on childrens books, because I have such a huge collection of them (Thursdays), Helpful Fridays (things like recipes, quotes, tips, etc), and then on Saturdays you'll get an update on each family member. Phew! I'm really excited to start!

Just writing this blog made me feel good. If you'd like to check out the blog I was reading that motivated me, look under my Blogs That Rock on this page and it's called C Jane Enjoy It.

Oh, one more goal: ever since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I've been wanting to share my story with other people, in the hopes that I can help someone. I would absolutely love to be able to speak to groups of women about the importance of early detection of breast cancer. So, I'm going to work on a presentation and make sure my information is all updated and figure out what I would share. I think it would be good to start with the womens' group in the LDS church, since that's who I'm surrounded by here in Utah. If you know of a group that would want to hear my story, let me know. I can't wait to start helping other people.

Have a great day!