Stitches Out

Today I got my stitches out. There was an atmosphere of partying when this happened - granted, it was caused by me and my sister... but, the women in the office were happy for me. I think the re-placement of the left nipple was the right thing to do. It looks much better and is in the correct place now. Now I don't have to worry about not wearing a bra this summer - if I don't, it won't look funny.

Last thing on the agenda... in about 6 weeks, I'll have the tattooing done. I'm planning on bringing my sis, mom, and some friends (LoriAnne, and possibly Leslie). We are going to have a party while I'm being tattooed!

The end is in site!

One last little surgery

Tomorrow I'll be at my plastic surgeon's office to do one last small little surgery. I've felt for some time, that the nipple that was reconstructed on the left breast was in the wrong place. Really, it is in the center of the breast, but that breast is shifted a little bit to the left, so it looks off center when I look straight at it. My doctor wants me to be happy with how I look, so he is going to try to move the left reconstructed nipple about 1/2 inch toward the middle of my chest. He has to be careful to not cut over the top because that's where the blood supply is. He's just going to cut around it, and then shift it over a little bit. It shouldn't hurt, because I'm pretty much numb through that area. As soon as I'm healed - about 6 weeks from now - I'll finally be having the tattooing. Then I'll be done.

I'm happy that it's almost completely over.

Fickle Feelings

There are mornings, like this morning, when I get out of bed and just HATE my new boobs - they are big and heavy and ugly. And then, there are days when I stand in front of the mirror and MARVEL (and feel very thankful) at the talent and abilities of my plastic surgeon. That I even HAVE boobs is a. maze. ing. Can you say "Fickle"?! I knew ya could.

Last Reconstructive Surgery

Today is the 2nd day of my recovery from my last surgery. This time we just tried to fix the look of the reconstruction. The right side was more rounded on top and a little higher, so the left side needed to be lifted a little bit. The doctor cut open the breast and took the implant out - then he sutured the muscle underneath, which lifted the breast - then he put the implant back in. I can tell that the top is rounded now - like the right side. The only thing that doesn't look great is that the nipple is now much more lopsided that before. I was hoping that by lifting the breast, the nipples would match up, but it doesn't look like that happened. Bummer. Plus, the suture line is really deep - so it looks kind of weird. I know I shouldn't judge for a long time - there's swelling and the breast will relax at some point, so I need to just mellow out for awhile. The doctor also took my port out (right side, above the breast). I'm really happy about that, but the pain is super bad right now. I don't know why it's hurting so much. In fact, both surgery sites are killing me. I'm sure it will gradually get feeling better, but right now it's awful. I'm taking Percocet - which does help with the pain, but makes me itch all over.

I'm glad it's over - I'm ready to be done with this whole thing. Even if the breasts don't look exactly like I want them to, I'm done. I just have to have the tattooing done. I'm hoping that everything will be over by the end of the year.

Gotta go lie down now...

My Fight with the Beast is nearing the end...

My cancer journey is coming to an end soon. I have two more Herceptin treatments and then I'm done at the cancer center, except for checkups. I'm not sure how I feel about that. One of my friends who went through chemo treatments can't even go anywhere near the cancer center. When she does, she gets sick to her stomach. But, I've been going there for almost a whole year now. I know the nurses - they are happy to see me. And the Herceptin doesn't really bother me - not like the chemo. But, it will be nice to not have to drive to the cancer center.

I'm almost done with the reconstruction of my chess as well. That's been a difficult journey. I've had 3 surgeries on my chest so far. One was the big one - the bi-lateral mastectomy. I'll be writing about that soon. Quite a hard surgery. Then, 8 months later I had the reconstructive surgery, and a couple months ago, I had one more to even things out a bit and fix a scar. But, as I stand looking in the mirror, I think my left side is lower than my right side. So, I'm going back under the knife again. I asked Dr. Bishop if I was just being picky. He said, "Kara, you've lost alot and been through alot. If I can make them look perfect, then I will. I'll let you know if I can't fix things, but right now, I can." That made my feel so much better. Great doctors make all the difference. After that surgery in November, I'll wait 6 weeks, and then do something I thought I'd never do... get tattoos on my chest. They'll tattoo the color on. Crazy, huh? What do you think - should I get a breast cancer ribbon tattooed on my chest to celebrate the end of all this crap? Leave a comment and let me know!

Really? Another surgery?

Boys... (my sons), if you are reading this, I'm going to talk about the "B" word again, so you might want to go read something else!

On August 25th, I went to see my plastic surgeon, Dr. Bishop, to do a post-surgery checkup. I've spent the last month pushing down on the right implant, trying to get it to go down and be even with the left one. But, it hasn't moved yet. Darn it. So, we are going to keep pushing on it for another 4 weeks. If it still doesn't move, then I've got a decision to make. It's really not that bad - the middle of the breasts (nipple reconstruction) is only about a finger width difference. But, um, you can tell they are kind of lopsided. Oh, and the right one is rounded up higher than the left one. It looks fine in a bra, but not without one. You might think I'm just being too picky. At least I have them, for crying out loud! You are right. I am being picky. But, here's the thing... I know my doctor can fix it. And I don't WANT to go around lop-sided. It's as simple as that. If I have to have fake boobs, I want them to look good.

So, Dr. B (not the same as my oncologist, Dr. B) asked me which one I like better. Hahahahaha! I told him I like the right one better. He said that if it didn't go down to match the left one in a month, then I'd go back in for another surgery - this time he'd make a cut into the side of my left "boob" and pull the implant out. Then he'd go in and suture the muscle underneath where the implant goes, then he'd put the implant back in. That should make both sides look even. Then, when I'm finally healed, I'll have the tatooing - putting color on the nipple area. No one really wants me to go in for another surgery (this will be by seventh), but THEY don't have to live with crooked boobs. So, they don't get to make that decision - I do. :-)

Wake Up!!

Wow. The nerves that have been damaged across my chest - making my chest numb - have started to WAKE UP! Man, I had NO idea how blessed I am to have a numb chest until this started yesterday. It comes and goes. It feels like little knives stabbing me in random places. Can you imagine how I would feel if my chest wasn't mostly numb? I'd probably be hooked on painkillers by this time. Yeah. Wonder if it will ever go away? I hope so. It wears me out, dealing with pain like this. By the end of the day I just want to go to sleepy land, where little stabbing knives can't touch me.

Post-Op Visit

Today was my first post-op visit to my doctor. This surgery hasn't been as hard to recover from as the previous surgeries. My doctor told me that I looked great. He said that the wounds are healing nicely. He removed the stitches in the nipple reconstruction area. He actually glued the two large scars together during the surgery so we wouldn't have to use steri-strips (they stuck to my skin and pulled it off when they were removed after my last surgery). He said that the glue is just like skin and it will gradually come off in the shower. The nipples look good. It's weird to see those again. It looks kind of strange because the color hasn't been tattooed on yet, so they are the same color as my skin. I'm kind of impressed by them, though. I mean, it's been a LONG time since I looked in the mirror and thought I had real breasts. I knew that I had to have the nipple reconstruction - they just wouldn't look like breasts if I didn't "finish" the job. One breast is sitting up higher than the other one now, so for the next 8 weeks I'll be massaging the one side to try to help it drop a little. Hopefully, by the end of the 8 weeks, the breast will be even again. If not, there's no way I can go around with the nipple lopsided, right. That would look ridiculous. So, we'll decide what to do at that time. After everything is even, then I'll have the tattooing done. I'm really pleased with the outcome so far. It's amazing what medical science can do now. I'm truly blessed, and very thankful.

Post Surgery Healing

It's been 4 days since my surgery. I finally took all the bandages off today. I have such a bad reaction to any kind of tape - the tape holding the gauze on was causing a red rash on my skin. Last time I had surgery, the steri strips stuck to my skin and all my skin came off when the doctor pulled the steri strips off. I was afraid that would happen again. So, now I'm just wearing a t-shirt over nothing. I hope it's ok. So, the girls (reconstructed nipples) seem to be doing ok. One is bigger than the other, though. That's a little disturbing. Also, one is a little bit higher than the other, so I look lop-sided. That's really disturbing. I hope after the swelling goes down and everything is healed, I'll look ok. So far, the recovery isn't too bad. I'm having some pain, but the Lortab takes care of that. I'm pretty worn out, but that happens with every surgery. I'll just take it easy and hopefully the healing will go fast and I'll feel better soon. I have one week from today before the cancer walk. Hope I feel well enough to walk that night. I'm going to bed now - I cleaned my bedroom and I'm really tired. Night!

Last Surgery

Today I'm headed to the hospital for my last surgery - the sixth one. This time my plastic surgeon will be working on the shape and look of the reconstruction. The scar on my left side is really tight and so he is going to zig-zag it open so that the tightness and pressure are released. Hopefully that will make it so the scar isn't pushing in on the implant and making the front of it bumpy. The definition under the left breast has always been amazing, a nice beautiful curved line. Not so on the right side. It's still round, but not as defined. So, he'll open up that scar and suture a line in the muscle to create that definition. It probably still won't be as nice as the left side, but Dr. Bishop said that he's never seen definition as nice as what I've got on the left side. It's king of weird - not the norm. There are several sutures coming out through my skin from my earlier surgery under my arms, so he is going to (in his words), "Dig those out". Sounds unpleasant, right? It will be nice to have those gone, though. They scratch my arms.

The other thing he will be doing is creating the nipples. I'm not sure how I feel about this. On one hand, I think having nipples, even though they, along with the both "breasts", are fake, will make them seem real. I think my mind needs that. It's hard to look in the mirror and think that everything looks normal when there are no nipples. On the other hand, I haven't worn a bra since October. And no one knows. And I REALLY don't want to ever wear a bra again. There's really no need. Besides, I can't find one that fits the shape of the implants. It's really frustrating. But, I'm worried that without a bra, it will look silly - like I'm freezing cold all the time, if you know what I mean! Without the nipples, no one knows I'm not wearing a bra and you don't even notice the breasts. With nipples, they'll notice! It's kind of interesting how they make the nipples. I think he'll slice open the skin in a few places, causing flaps. Then he'll use that skin and pull the flaps up and around to form a skin mound. I'll have a small line going horizontally right through each nipple, but they will be hidden by the tatooing that will be done in 6 weeks to put the color on. Hmmm. That's just weird.

Well, Rick is ready. And we're off to the hospital... again. You know, everyone is so used to my surgeries now - no one ever wants to be at the hospital, or come to the house afterward. It's ok with me, really. I don't care. But it's far from where we were with the mastectomy - everyone was there. Haha. That's ok. I think Rick would prefer not having people at the hospital. Wish me luck.

What - no Victoria Secret bra shopping?!

Well, I tried to buy a bra this week. Because my new foobs are not quite the right shape, I thought I could get a bra that would (with the help of "push-up" technology) push them into the correct shape and place.

NOPE.

They don't actually MOVE! And, because they aren't the regular "cone" shape of a real breast (they are round and flat on top), they don't fill out a bra.

I'm really annoyed. Now I have to return the stupid bra.

Stupid foobs.

Not What I Expected

It's been awhile since I updated this blog. As you all know, I had the reconstruction surgery last Friday. I've been in too much pain since then to even think about this blog. Here's what happened...

When I got to the hospital, everyone seemed to be so happy for me. This is a "happy surgery" apparently. To be honest, I was pretty excited. The nurse was an older lady who was very nice, but had helmet hair - meaning, her hair looked like a huge helmet on her head (remember Dark Helmet on Space Balls? Yeah.) When she left the room for a minute, I said to Rick, "She's mocking me with that hair!" Hee, hee. I told her that I couldn't have blood pressure taken or any IVs on my left arm (because of lymph node removal) and I thought she'd get some kind of color-coded bracelet for me to wear (that's what the other two hospitals did - silly me for thinking that!). Nope. She found a surgery pen on the table and said, "Let's just make sure everyone knows that", and then wrote it in BIG letters on my left arm. I still can't get it off! My left arm says... "NO IV's B/P this arm". Whatever. Then we proceeded to wait. For about two hours. Apparently, they scheduled me wrong. Finally, Dr. came in and drew lines all over my chest - "this is what I'll be doing, etc. etc.). He waved goodbye and I went into the holding area. The nurses and anesthesiologist were joking around and then I don't really remember much after that. They obviously gave me weird meds, because everything is blurring from that point on (it's better that way).

When I woke up in my room I was on morphine and other good stuff. Rick stayed for quite awhile, but then went home and I slept. I, of course, had one of those stupid compression bras on and it was pretty uncomfortable. But, I will admit... it was such a relief to have those expanders out. I looked down at my now-sized-large-C chest and didn't see much of anything. Panic. Wait a minute, did they forget to put the implants in?! What the heck?! Now, before my surgery, I realize that maybe I had unrealistic expectations about what my new boobs would look like. That said, I'll continue...

Everything was pretty painful, but probably not as bad as the last surgery (mastectomies). Although, when you are 'in the moment', you can't really remember how bad anything else felt. I had a pain pump in, too. For some reason, it started hurting quite a lot under my breasts - kind of around my rib cage. I stayed the night (pretty miserable - you know how crappy it is in the hospital) and by morning time the pain was worse. Why was I even in pain, when I was on morphine and percocet at the same time?! The nurse called the doctor and he said that didn't sound right - he told her to open up the bra and see what was going on. She did and there was immediate relief. But, you could see by the imprint of the bra in my skin, that they had put a way too small bra on me. Ouch! Ok, so at this point, the bandages were still on, so I couldn't really get a good look, but I wasn't seeing any C sized anything! We got a bigger bra, and then I felt well enough to go home that day.

I left in the afternoon and when I got home things were fine. I stayed on the medicine, but the pain started again. I kind of pulled the bra away from my chest and look down and saw that the pain pump had started to leak blood - lots of it - under the tape - underneath my breast area. Ok, this story is getting too long and detailed. Suffice it to say, I made it to the post-op visit on Monday in tons of pain and not too freakin' happy.

Here's where the title of this post comes in. Flashback: a couple of months ago, the doctor wanted to know how big to make the breasts. I said "Oh, maybe a big C, small D". I had found a picture of the boobs I wanted, so I gave him the picture. He said, and I quote, "You can't have these boobs". Why not?! "Well, this woman has breast tissue with implants underneath. You have no breast tissue. Your boobs won't look like this." I should have taken the hint and figured it out for myself. But, I guess I was just in denial. I'd been waiting so long to be reconstructed, I just didn't want to think about the outcome. Back to the present: So, when the doctor took the bandages off, well, it just wasn't what I expected. It took lots of self-control (not something I have much of lately) to not just burst out sobbing. First of all, before I make any kind of judgment, I'm supposed to wait two months so the implants can "settle". Right now everything it still swollen from the surgery. Nothing looks good. I said, "Oh, I thought I'd be bigger". Doctor said: "I told your husband that's the first thing that would come out of your mouth when the bandages came off." And this is how he explained it (which, if I would have thought about it before, would have made perfect sense and would have changed my expectations)... Breasts are kind of cone-shaped. The implants are round and flat. If you have no breast tissue, then you won't have breasts that are normal shaped. So, in the last few days, I thought about this, and I can see that it makes perfect sense. But, I swear, those photos of reconstruction that I saw beforehand in his office looked fine. I don't know. I am really happy with the sculpting he did underneath my arms and I'm almost sure it will start to look better soon.

Um, I guess all I can say right now is... nothing is as good as you expect it to be: Disneyland (hot, long lines), swimming (water-logged, chlorine), job (long hours, problem clients), an acre of land (too much grass to mow, expensive to landscape), graduation (have to grow up, get a job), new car (high insurance, that first scratch), new boobs after mastectomy (I guess I'm just happy that something is there).

Recovery

Doing ok with the recovery from reconstruction surgery. The thing that hurts the most is underneath the breast area. It's because the compression bra they put on is so tight and it's pressing on the area where the pain pump tubes go into my skin. So, I'm bleeding from that area (underneath the tape) and last night it started to leak out and so I've got leaking blood soaking my shirt. How annoying. All is well, though, because I get the pain pump taken out today and maybe even the bra thing. Yay!! The incisions are about 6 inches long I think. I tried to sleep on my side last night. Big mistake. It only hurts when I put pressure on the incisions. This is all a good thing, though, because now I have boobs. I'm pressed pretty flat now, so I can't tell what they'll look like. I got the biggest implant they make (800 CCs), which should make me look like a large C I think, but I'm all nervous that I won't be big at all. I'm stressed about that. Hopefully that's not true. I guess the worst part is waiting to see what it will look like.

One More Day...

I'm not sure how I feel about this - there's just one more day before my reconstructive surgery. I'm getting nervous. I've had way too many surgeries in the last 9 months (this one makes 6). So, I guess it should be a piece of cake, but it never is. Rick will be the only one at the hospital with me tomorrow. When I had my mastectomies, everyone was there - my parents, Rick's parents, I think my sister was there - I think they all were very worried about the outcome. This time is different I guess. I'm not sure how - maybe it's that this isn't going to be as hard mentally. It's a good thing that's happening. The surgery will be just as hard - they'll cut my chest open just like last time. In fact, they'll go way back under my arms, in order to remove excess skin and fat that was left from last time. So, I think it's going to hurt just as bad. But, that's ok. Rick is the only one I really need to be there. He'll probably be happy that he's by himself, so he can read or whatever. ;-) I'm hoping I won't stay more than a day or two. I won't have drains - that alone makes it so much better. I hated those drains. The doctor won't be using the same scars - he'll be cutting more on the side and back under my arm. So, after tomorrow, my scar count on my chest will be (drumroll, please........) 9! One from the lymph node surgery, two on the front from the mastectomies, two underneath from the drains, two on the sides from this surgery and two under the arms from this surgery. Wow. For once, my chest will look worse than my stomach (my stretch marks are pretty wicked). Oh well, medicine isn't perfect, but at least I can be rebuilt, they have the technology.... ok, for a minute there I was feeling like the bionic woman. ;-)

Wish me luck. We'll take before and after pics. I won't post them here (sometimes my boys read this blog!) but if anyone wants to see the difference, let me know and I'll email them. If you have to go through this, it really does help to see pictures. I'll have an unveiling for my girlfriends (I can just see their eyes rolling now. Hee, hee.)

Sayonara man chest! Hello, boobs!

Boobless No More

Today starts my last boobless week. In 5 days, I go under the knife and will hopefully come out of the surgery with a nice rack. I'm pretty nervous. My doctor told me (and his nurse backed it up) that this surgery won't be as bad as the mastectomies. My husband said that it's probably like childbirth - you forget just how awful the pain and recovery is, and so agree to do it again! He said this because I told him that from what I can remember, the mastectomy wasn't that bad. Huh?! Yeah, go ahead and say it - I've got Chemo Brain! The chemo must have affected that part of my brain that really remembers just how awful that whole experience was. Actually, I don't think I believe what my doctor is telling me. I'm pretty sure it's going to be a crappy surgery and it will take longer than the "overnight" in the hospital to be ready to come home. Yes. He told me that I'd only have to stay overnight. Right. I stayed 5 days in the hospital after the mastectomy. The hospital is the only place I get to have morphine. My best friend is morphine. I'm pretty sure that I'll be staying longer than one day. In fact, I'll throw a huge fit if they make me leave! Oh, and you'll love this - the nurse actually said that I could probably go home the night of the surgery if I wanted to. Who in the hell would want that? Geez!

So, my life as an A-cup girl will now be over and I'll start the rest of my life as a large C-cup/small D-cup babe! Ok, admit it... if you had the opportunity to get a FREE boob job, you'd opt for way bigger too. And if you say "nuh, uh" I'll have to call you a liar. There have been a few people who have tried to tell me that I'll hate being big. ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!!!!! Hold on for a minute while I laugh hysterically...

Ok, done. Now, let's start this countdown thing... Oh, and if you want to come visit me in the hospital, I'd love to see you. Of course, since I'll be on morphine, I won't remember you came, but that's ok. Or, you can just tell me later that you visited me and since I won't remember, you'll score a brownie point without having to do the work. :-)

One more thing... just to make you a little jealous... I won't ever have to wear a bra again! Seriously! Can you just imagine the huge smile that is plastered on my face right now? I'll be perky forever. I'll be a perky 80-year-old. Wait, that's kind of a disturbing thought. Scratch that. Let's just end with I'll be perky forever.