STUPID...!

FYI: Check out this blog: http://cancerspot.org/2009/04/02/what-breast-cancer-looks-like-kara/. I am featured on there today - what I think cancer looks like - with pictures.

So, today is not a good day. I'm pissed. I woke up this morning to find that I have another infection under yet another finger nail. I can't believe this! One of the side effects of chemo is that it can (but might not) make you lose your nails. I've had really nice nails for about 6 years. My normal nails are very weak and they curl under, so when I started back to work several years ago, I decided to have my nails done. I don't have fake nails. They are my real nails - they just have acrylic on top to make them stronger. It just happens to be pink and white acrylic, so it does look like I have tips on, but I don't. Here's a picture of the way my nails looked right after I started chemo, 5 months ago. (Ignore the hair - that's the day my hair started falling out in clumps and we shaved it).

Anyway, the nurses told me that I might want to get the acrylic taken off, because they were worried about me getting fungus under my nails. I think they meant infection, not fungus. Anyway, I couldn't just take the acrylic off - it would have torn my nails off too. So, it stayed on. Nothing bad happened until about halfway through chemo. After the 3rd chemo, my nails became really sensitive. My friend, who does my nails, Wendy, pointed out the discoloration and bleeding whenever she tried to file them. Yeah - they hurt, but what was I supposed to do? I had my last chemo and no sign of infection (or fungus). Then, about 3 weeks after that last chemo, I woke up one morning to find my middle finger on the right hand was yellow under the nail (and it hurt like crazy). Ew! I went to have my nails done that day, and as Wendy filed on that nail, it popped open and pus poured out. Gag! GROOOOOOOSSSSSSSS! We got all of it out and then wondered what we should do about the rest of the nails. We decided to file most of the acrylic off and just let them grow out and try to recover. So, that's what they've been doing. I used nail polish on them to hide the gross look of them, so I didn't notice that another nail was looking bad, until this morning when I took the polish off. I've had to keep putting bandaids on the nail that was infected before, because this week it started to lift up and I keep catching it on things. The problem is that it's still hooked on at the base. I don't know how to get it off, unless I resort to some form of primitive nail torture and pulled it out with tweezers. (Are tweezers a primitive tool?!) Well, you guessed it - that's NOT going to happen, so I'll just keep it on with this lovely, fashionable bandaid until it falls off by itself. Now I've got an infection in the nail next to the first one, and it HURTS like hell. The problem is, I can't seem to get the infection to come out. I think I might need to go to the doctor and get another antibiotic. He'll probably used another form of nail torture and shove a sharp object under the nail to release the infection. Oh, I just can't think about it. Maybe I'll go tomorrow. Here are pictures of my nails now (gross):



That last picture reminds me of another thing I'm angry about - I can't get my damn wedding ring on! For the first time in 23 years! This sucks!

To top off the nail episode, I had to go for the pre-op visit to the nose and throat specialist that will be doing my parathyroid surgery next Tuesday. Ok, I don't have anything against this doctor - I'm sure he's a nice guy. I just don't like him. Maybe it's because I'm so annoyed at having to go under the knife again. I have to have a stupid, annoying, poopy surgery right in the front of my neck. I'm sure that scar will be just lovely. Why surgery? I asked him that today. He said that if I have elevated levels of calcium (which I do, because of this stupid little parathyroid thing), I can have all sorts of complications. Like what? I asked. After reminding me that we had already talked about this last week, he told me (again) about kidney stones and other yucky things (see, I've forgotten again). I didn't feel bad making him repeat himself - after all, I had to get something out of this stupid, unnecessary visit (if he already told me all of this last week, why did I have to come back in again - he must need to make a payment on his boat!).

Oh man, I'm having a rotten day. I'm just mad at everyone and everything. I hate cancer, chemo and my stupid, idiotic parathyroid gland (or whatever the hell it is). To make my day even worse, he reminded me that ALL surgeries have risks. Bleeding, infection, blah, blah, blah. Apparently this surgery has the added risk of the doctor accidentally damaging some nerve or something that goes to the voice box (if he's not careful). So, will he be careful? I sure hope so.

Stupid nails. Stupid surgery. Stupid doctor. Stupid chemo. Stupid cancer. Stupid day.

There, I'm through.

Cancer Scars

I’ve got to get something off of my chest – not trying to be funny there. I’m angry. I was looking in the mirror after I got out of the shower the other day. I got angry just looking at all the scars. I’m so tired of the scars. They are ugly. You know, I’ve got lots of scars. There are the scars you can see and the ones you can’t see. Cancer leaves the ugliest scars.
There are the scars on my chest:
I’ve got one that is about 2 inches long where the surgeon took out some lymph nodes. There is the scar where I had my two biopsies. That one is no longer there because it was cut off when I had a double mastectomy. But, I still see it. There are my mastectomy scars – just horizontal lines where something else used to be. I’ve got two small scars from the drains that were left in after my last surgery. And then there are the upcoming scars – from my reconstructive surgery and the one I’ll have when they take out my IV port. I can already see them.
The other scars cancer has left:
The scars on my face – commonly called wrinkles – I have so many new wrinkles that you’d think I’d aged 10 years. These make me particularly angry – I’ve been blessed with my mother’s beautiful skin and now it’s ruined. There are tiny brown spots all over my face and hands as well, reminding me, every time I see myself, that I’ve had cancer.
Sometimes I feel like there is a scar where my mind used to be. I’ve never had a great memory, but this is ridiculous. Believe me, “chemo brain” is real.
The scar that is my bald head. I know that the hair will grow back at some point, but the scar that shaving it off caused will remain in my mind.
The chemo has affected my eyesight – I can feel those “scars” getting bigger by the day.
If I had a dime for every time I’ve been poked with a needle, I’d be rich. Those needle scars are too small to see, but they are there.
And what about the scar that I have from being thrown into early menopause from the chemo – I feel that scar every time I have a hot flash.
There’s even a scar from when I had to stop working. I used to work at a job I love, with people I love. It’s a long scar – 8 months long, and getting longer by the day. Even though I know I’ll get to go back to work, the scar that is ‘lack of work’ is there.
The other night I turned to Rick and said: “Sometimes when I look at myself and see that my chest is gone, I think, “What the HELL??!!! What was I thinking, allowing that to happen? Sometimes I wish I could go back and make a different decision.” And Rick just says, “I know… I know.” And he does. He knows what I’ve been through. He’s been there to help me make every hard decision and to get through every horrible side effect. And I have to say thanks to Rick, for being there to walk me through the scars and help me through the anger.

Side Effects

It’s been a long, hard week, and it’s only Wednesday morning! I’m sitting in the chemo room at the cancer center, getting Herceptin dripped into my veins. Herceptin doesn’t really have immediate side effects. Just a small headache.

It’s been 3 weeks since my last chemo treatment and I’m feeling ok in the mornings, but by afternoon I’m exhausted and sick to my stomach. I was really hoping that I’d be feeling better than this. I’m a little impatient. In fact, I’ve been wondering why my hair hasn’t grown back by now. :-)

Monday night, I had kind of a break down. At least it was only in front of Rick – not the kids. I was feeling overwhelmed because of my schedule for Tuesday. I was feeling like a loser mom because it was my baby’s 12th birthday (Matthew – my youngest) and I hadn’t even shopped for gifts yet. He was going to wake up in the morning and not have presents to open. I’d just been too tired to go out. Then, I realized that I had a stupid para thyroid scan on Tuesday that would take half the day, and then district science fair, where Matthew’s project needed to be set up (the same time as the dr apt), and the art show at the junior high for Alex. There would be no time at all to do anything for Matthew’s birthday. Plus, just looking at the schedule made me tired. As soon as Rick walked in, I started crying. I’m such a baby! He asked me what was wrong and I couldn’t even find my voice. I just whispered that I’m so tired of being sick and I’m so tired of being tired. I’ve had it. Then I told him about the schedule for the next day and he said “Well, you just can’t do it all. Take something off the schedule.” Ok, what would you take off? The dr. appointment? The science fair? The art show? MATTHEW’S BIRTHDAY?! Geez! Not to mention, I still had shopping for gifts and making a cake. I finally decided to ask for help from my friend Lori (she set up the science fair project – actually Steve and Jeff did – thanks you guys), and to keep Matthew home from school and take him with me – we had a great time, shopping for presents and going to lunch in between scans at the doctor’s. Everything worked out ok – Rick came home early to help with the last part of the science fair and the art show turned out to be tonight instead of last night. I even made the cake and ordered pizza before I completely collapsed from fatigue.

Fatigue is one of the lovely side effects you have from chemo. You know, I’ve just about had it with side effects. When you meet with your oncologist the first time, he’ll tell you about the side effects. I’m pretty sure he told me about not only the immediate side effects, but also about the long term side effects. I just don’t remember much about those long term ones – probably because one of those is what they call “chemo brain” – where your brain basically becomes mush and you forget everything. I’ve been suffering from this particular one almost since I started chemo. I forget everything. I’m amazed that I even remembered that it was Matthew’s birthday yesterday! Other long term side effects – a weakened heart (from the Herceptin), wrinkles, early menopause (which includes hot flashes!). I know there’s more, but I’ve FORGOTTEN what they are! I just know that there will be constant reminders of the beast.

I was watching a short video the other day that my son, Grant, sent home from Japan (where he’s serving a mission). The camera was pointed at a store window and inside was a huge dragon head (one of those that are made from paper), that was moving from side to side while the eyes lit up. All Grant said was “Holy crap – it’s a dragon!” That’s kind of how I feel about the cancer: holy crap – it’s a dragon! And the side effects are the fire that spews forth from it’s mouth.

Here’s where I say that I’m really grateful that there is even a thing called chemo – it’s saving my life. And I know I’m a big whiner, but sometimes, in order to fight the beast, I’ve got to let some feelings out. I’ve got to get things off my chest (literally).