What - no Victoria Secret bra shopping?!

Well, I tried to buy a bra this week. Because my new foobs are not quite the right shape, I thought I could get a bra that would (with the help of "push-up" technology) push them into the correct shape and place.

NOPE.

They don't actually MOVE! And, because they aren't the regular "cone" shape of a real breast (they are round and flat on top), they don't fill out a bra.

I'm really annoyed. Now I have to return the stupid bra.

Stupid foobs.

Everything Just Came Crashing Down...

I had a few weeks, since my last post, to get used to my new chest (and to think a little bit about my reaction). Let me explain...

I had a mastectomy 8 months ago. It was pretty darn traumatic, just like any amputation would be. But, I kept thinking about the reconstruction. It's really the only thing that helped me focus and not lose my freakin' mind. And, I've been through quite a lot since last October. Again, I had that "light at the end of the tunnel" (the reconstrucion) to get me through all the crap that was chemo, expanders, etc. So, I have to tell you, when I looked in that mirror after the doctor took my bandages off, and I saw what I looked like, everything just came crashing down on me - all the horrible things I'd been through... the breast cancer diagnosis, the biopsies, the mastectomy, the chemo treatments, the sickness, the expanding, the pain, the helplessness, the medications, everything. I realized that I'd just been barely getting by without completely going mad - all because I knew that at the end, I'd look normal again. So, you can maybe understand why I reacted the way I did.

I've had some time to kind of analyze my feelings. First of all, why were my expectations so high? Why did I think I'd look completely normal? Well, I think when you're faced with something like a mastectomy, and a doctor tells you it would be best to do it to save your life, and he can rebuild you, then maybe you grab on to the smallest flicker of hope you can. "I can do this awful, monstrous thing because I know that everything will be ok in the end." And then, I didn't let everything that happened to me touch me too deeply, because a) I would have been in a pit of dispair if I let it get to me, and b) it was going to be OK at the end.

The fact is, my expectation was WAAAYYYYY out of line. How could I possibly be put back together and look really good? I mean, if you have to have your leg or arm cut off to save your life, the doctors can do the very best job possible and it still won't be normal. You still will never look right. Why did I think that it would be any different with a chest? I don't know. I think, subconsciously, I was just protecting myself. "It's ok - everything will be just fine." Kind of like you'd talk someone from jumping off the roof of a building - I just talked my mind out of jumping.

I'll be seeing my plastic surgeon again on Monday. I'm doing ok. I'm healing just fine. I've been massaging the implants, trying to get them to soften up and drop down where they'll look the best. We'll wait 2 months, and then look at everything again. I know my doc won't let me be dissatisfied. He'll make me look as good as possible.

I look ok from the outside of my clothes. The only two people who will ever see the imperfections and scars are me and Rick. And we're ok with it. I'm alive. I got through a crappy illness. I'm starting to be myself again, physically and mentally.

I'm happy.

Not What I Expected

It's been awhile since I updated this blog. As you all know, I had the reconstruction surgery last Friday. I've been in too much pain since then to even think about this blog. Here's what happened...

When I got to the hospital, everyone seemed to be so happy for me. This is a "happy surgery" apparently. To be honest, I was pretty excited. The nurse was an older lady who was very nice, but had helmet hair - meaning, her hair looked like a huge helmet on her head (remember Dark Helmet on Space Balls? Yeah.) When she left the room for a minute, I said to Rick, "She's mocking me with that hair!" Hee, hee. I told her that I couldn't have blood pressure taken or any IVs on my left arm (because of lymph node removal) and I thought she'd get some kind of color-coded bracelet for me to wear (that's what the other two hospitals did - silly me for thinking that!). Nope. She found a surgery pen on the table and said, "Let's just make sure everyone knows that", and then wrote it in BIG letters on my left arm. I still can't get it off! My left arm says... "NO IV's B/P this arm". Whatever. Then we proceeded to wait. For about two hours. Apparently, they scheduled me wrong. Finally, Dr. came in and drew lines all over my chest - "this is what I'll be doing, etc. etc.). He waved goodbye and I went into the holding area. The nurses and anesthesiologist were joking around and then I don't really remember much after that. They obviously gave me weird meds, because everything is blurring from that point on (it's better that way).

When I woke up in my room I was on morphine and other good stuff. Rick stayed for quite awhile, but then went home and I slept. I, of course, had one of those stupid compression bras on and it was pretty uncomfortable. But, I will admit... it was such a relief to have those expanders out. I looked down at my now-sized-large-C chest and didn't see much of anything. Panic. Wait a minute, did they forget to put the implants in?! What the heck?! Now, before my surgery, I realize that maybe I had unrealistic expectations about what my new boobs would look like. That said, I'll continue...

Everything was pretty painful, but probably not as bad as the last surgery (mastectomies). Although, when you are 'in the moment', you can't really remember how bad anything else felt. I had a pain pump in, too. For some reason, it started hurting quite a lot under my breasts - kind of around my rib cage. I stayed the night (pretty miserable - you know how crappy it is in the hospital) and by morning time the pain was worse. Why was I even in pain, when I was on morphine and percocet at the same time?! The nurse called the doctor and he said that didn't sound right - he told her to open up the bra and see what was going on. She did and there was immediate relief. But, you could see by the imprint of the bra in my skin, that they had put a way too small bra on me. Ouch! Ok, so at this point, the bandages were still on, so I couldn't really get a good look, but I wasn't seeing any C sized anything! We got a bigger bra, and then I felt well enough to go home that day.

I left in the afternoon and when I got home things were fine. I stayed on the medicine, but the pain started again. I kind of pulled the bra away from my chest and look down and saw that the pain pump had started to leak blood - lots of it - under the tape - underneath my breast area. Ok, this story is getting too long and detailed. Suffice it to say, I made it to the post-op visit on Monday in tons of pain and not too freakin' happy.

Here's where the title of this post comes in. Flashback: a couple of months ago, the doctor wanted to know how big to make the breasts. I said "Oh, maybe a big C, small D". I had found a picture of the boobs I wanted, so I gave him the picture. He said, and I quote, "You can't have these boobs". Why not?! "Well, this woman has breast tissue with implants underneath. You have no breast tissue. Your boobs won't look like this." I should have taken the hint and figured it out for myself. But, I guess I was just in denial. I'd been waiting so long to be reconstructed, I just didn't want to think about the outcome. Back to the present: So, when the doctor took the bandages off, well, it just wasn't what I expected. It took lots of self-control (not something I have much of lately) to not just burst out sobbing. First of all, before I make any kind of judgment, I'm supposed to wait two months so the implants can "settle". Right now everything it still swollen from the surgery. Nothing looks good. I said, "Oh, I thought I'd be bigger". Doctor said: "I told your husband that's the first thing that would come out of your mouth when the bandages came off." And this is how he explained it (which, if I would have thought about it before, would have made perfect sense and would have changed my expectations)... Breasts are kind of cone-shaped. The implants are round and flat. If you have no breast tissue, then you won't have breasts that are normal shaped. So, in the last few days, I thought about this, and I can see that it makes perfect sense. But, I swear, those photos of reconstruction that I saw beforehand in his office looked fine. I don't know. I am really happy with the sculpting he did underneath my arms and I'm almost sure it will start to look better soon.

Um, I guess all I can say right now is... nothing is as good as you expect it to be: Disneyland (hot, long lines), swimming (water-logged, chlorine), job (long hours, problem clients), an acre of land (too much grass to mow, expensive to landscape), graduation (have to grow up, get a job), new car (high insurance, that first scratch), new boobs after mastectomy (I guess I'm just happy that something is there).

Recovery

Doing ok with the recovery from reconstruction surgery. The thing that hurts the most is underneath the breast area. It's because the compression bra they put on is so tight and it's pressing on the area where the pain pump tubes go into my skin. So, I'm bleeding from that area (underneath the tape) and last night it started to leak out and so I've got leaking blood soaking my shirt. How annoying. All is well, though, because I get the pain pump taken out today and maybe even the bra thing. Yay!! The incisions are about 6 inches long I think. I tried to sleep on my side last night. Big mistake. It only hurts when I put pressure on the incisions. This is all a good thing, though, because now I have boobs. I'm pressed pretty flat now, so I can't tell what they'll look like. I got the biggest implant they make (800 CCs), which should make me look like a large C I think, but I'm all nervous that I won't be big at all. I'm stressed about that. Hopefully that's not true. I guess the worst part is waiting to see what it will look like.

One More Day...

I'm not sure how I feel about this - there's just one more day before my reconstructive surgery. I'm getting nervous. I've had way too many surgeries in the last 9 months (this one makes 6). So, I guess it should be a piece of cake, but it never is. Rick will be the only one at the hospital with me tomorrow. When I had my mastectomies, everyone was there - my parents, Rick's parents, I think my sister was there - I think they all were very worried about the outcome. This time is different I guess. I'm not sure how - maybe it's that this isn't going to be as hard mentally. It's a good thing that's happening. The surgery will be just as hard - they'll cut my chest open just like last time. In fact, they'll go way back under my arms, in order to remove excess skin and fat that was left from last time. So, I think it's going to hurt just as bad. But, that's ok. Rick is the only one I really need to be there. He'll probably be happy that he's by himself, so he can read or whatever. ;-) I'm hoping I won't stay more than a day or two. I won't have drains - that alone makes it so much better. I hated those drains. The doctor won't be using the same scars - he'll be cutting more on the side and back under my arm. So, after tomorrow, my scar count on my chest will be (drumroll, please........) 9! One from the lymph node surgery, two on the front from the mastectomies, two underneath from the drains, two on the sides from this surgery and two under the arms from this surgery. Wow. For once, my chest will look worse than my stomach (my stretch marks are pretty wicked). Oh well, medicine isn't perfect, but at least I can be rebuilt, they have the technology.... ok, for a minute there I was feeling like the bionic woman. ;-)

Wish me luck. We'll take before and after pics. I won't post them here (sometimes my boys read this blog!) but if anyone wants to see the difference, let me know and I'll email them. If you have to go through this, it really does help to see pictures. I'll have an unveiling for my girlfriends (I can just see their eyes rolling now. Hee, hee.)

Sayonara man chest! Hello, boobs!

A New Season

First, let me update you... I just had my pre-op visit today with my plastic surgeon. Before I got called back to talk to him, I saw another woman in his waiting room. She obviously was getting over a bout with cancer - her hair was just coming back in. She seemed really happy and I wondered if she was going to have reconstructive surgery, too. When my doctor came in to talk to me, he told me that she just had reconstructive surgery last Thursday. I was amazed! No way!! She seemed fine. After just 5 days. No one brought her - she drove herself and she had a huge smile on her face. So, I guess that I'll have to change my skeptical attitude about how long the doctor said it would take to get better. If this woman is any indication of how I'll feel in a week, then he was right! Anyway, we talked about what he was going to do and how long it would take, etc. I'm feeling pretty good about the surgery. 3 days to go.

As I was writing a blog post on my other site (mystorymoments.blogspot.com), I got thinking about spring and how much I love it, and why. It's a time for renewal. My diagnosis came during a season where everything dies and becomes dormant - the fall and winter of last year. Just like the winter season, my cancer journey seemed to drag on until I thought it would never end. It's a wonderful gift to me that I'm starting to bloom again, just like the trees and flowers outside coming back to life. I'm thinking now about the different seasons and - not just the outside seasons - but the seasons of our lives. There seem to be seasons within the seasons of our lives. Right now I'm in the summer of my life, but experiencing winter and spring within that summer. Does that make sense? This cancer journey has been a hard thing to go through. I'm just glad that I get to see a bunch more seasons come and go. And I have hope that I'll make it to the winter of my life.

Boobless No More

Today starts my last boobless week. In 5 days, I go under the knife and will hopefully come out of the surgery with a nice rack. I'm pretty nervous. My doctor told me (and his nurse backed it up) that this surgery won't be as bad as the mastectomies. My husband said that it's probably like childbirth - you forget just how awful the pain and recovery is, and so agree to do it again! He said this because I told him that from what I can remember, the mastectomy wasn't that bad. Huh?! Yeah, go ahead and say it - I've got Chemo Brain! The chemo must have affected that part of my brain that really remembers just how awful that whole experience was. Actually, I don't think I believe what my doctor is telling me. I'm pretty sure it's going to be a crappy surgery and it will take longer than the "overnight" in the hospital to be ready to come home. Yes. He told me that I'd only have to stay overnight. Right. I stayed 5 days in the hospital after the mastectomy. The hospital is the only place I get to have morphine. My best friend is morphine. I'm pretty sure that I'll be staying longer than one day. In fact, I'll throw a huge fit if they make me leave! Oh, and you'll love this - the nurse actually said that I could probably go home the night of the surgery if I wanted to. Who in the hell would want that? Geez!

So, my life as an A-cup girl will now be over and I'll start the rest of my life as a large C-cup/small D-cup babe! Ok, admit it... if you had the opportunity to get a FREE boob job, you'd opt for way bigger too. And if you say "nuh, uh" I'll have to call you a liar. There have been a few people who have tried to tell me that I'll hate being big. ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!!!!! Hold on for a minute while I laugh hysterically...

Ok, done. Now, let's start this countdown thing... Oh, and if you want to come visit me in the hospital, I'd love to see you. Of course, since I'll be on morphine, I won't remember you came, but that's ok. Or, you can just tell me later that you visited me and since I won't remember, you'll score a brownie point without having to do the work. :-)

One more thing... just to make you a little jealous... I won't ever have to wear a bra again! Seriously! Can you just imagine the huge smile that is plastered on my face right now? I'll be perky forever. I'll be a perky 80-year-old. Wait, that's kind of a disturbing thought. Scratch that. Let's just end with I'll be perky forever.

What's wrong with me? July 2008

I've been wanting to go back and document my entire cancer journey. I didn't start blogging about it until 4 months into the journey, when I cut my hair off. So, here is the start of my breast cancer journey...

In July of 2008, I became very sick. I was having some bad pains in my lower body and just didn’t feel very good. Earlier in the year, I had a bladder/kidney infection, and I felt the same way, so I thought that’s what was wrong with me. I went to see the doctor because I knew I’d need an antibiotic to clear the infection up. I didn’t get to see my regular doctor. The doctor who was working at the time thought it was a bladder infection and gave me an antibiotic to help. The infection cleared up, but 3 weeks later it came back. So I went back to the doctor's office. He asked me when I had last had a pap smear. I told him in had been 3 years (right before my hysterectomy). He suggested I have that done so we could see if there was a different problem. I decided that I should probably have a mammogram, too. It had been 3 years since my last one as well. It was just kind of an afterthought - it had nothing to do with the problem I was having (which I thought had something to do with my cervix). So, they did the pap smear and found that my cervix was quite inflamed and gave me some more antibiotics. Then a few days later they did a mammogram. A few days after the mammogram, I got a letter that said they had seen something on the mammogram - there were some white spots back by the chest wall and they wanted a better look. It made me very nervous – ok, let’s be honest, it made me scared.

Before going back for a second mammogram, I had an appointment with a gynecologist to discuss the problem I was having with the pain and infection of my cervix. While talking to him, I mentioned receiving a letter that suggested I have a second mammogram. He told me that it was very normal to get those letters. That it happened all the time. In fact, his wife had received one of those letters and when she went back, everything was fine. He said that most of the time there is nothing wrong. So, he made me feel better about it. I wasn’t as scared.

When I got to the hospital for the second mammogram, I got ready and went into the mammogram room. I hate having mammograms. They are very uncomfortable. I asked the technician if she could show me the first mammogram films so that I could see the white spots. She showed me and said that we were lucky that they had even shown up, because they were so far back against the chest wall. She took some more pictures. It really hurt.. I remember the techs were feeling bad and kept apologizing. They had to pull my breast super far away from my chest and they use some attachments that really hurt. After the radiologist looked at the pictures, he called me back to talk about it. He showed me that there was a large group of white spots, called calcifications, in my left breast. He felt that it would be smart to get a biopsy done - just in case there was something called DCIS there. DCIS is ductal (in the milk ducts) carcinoma (any cancer of the skin or tissue) in situ (Latin for in its original place). He said that if it was DCIS, it would be smart to cut it out of there, because if it’s left, it can grow into invasive cancer. So, I made an appointment to see a surgeon. The journey begins…

After this all happened, I began to realize that had I not kept getting infections in the cervix, I would never have gone in to be checked, never would have decided to get a mammogram, and never would have found the calcifications. I started to see God’s hand in my life – it really was a miracle that we found the calcifications. This was the start of many miracles to come.

What's going on?

So, today I'm not feeling well. It's only been 3 days since my surgery on the parathyroid gland that they took out, so I'm sure that's some of the reason I don't feel well. My neck hurts, but that's normal when it's been cut open. What is really bothering me is that my whole body hurts. I'm not sure why. Every joint and every muscle in my body is sore. It's been like this since my last chemo treatment. I don't know why. Next week is my next Herceptin treatment and I have an appointment with my oncologist, Dr. Bott. So, hopefully he'll be able to tell me what's going on.

One more thing - I'm worried about some things that are going on during the night. I have to go to the bathroom all the time. Like, 6 times a night. Weird. And I am really thirsty - so thirsty that I can't even swallow - whenever I wake up. These are warning signs for diabetes. Wouldn't that just be the icing on the top of my "cake"?!

It's probably nothing - just side effects from the medicines that I'm taking or something. I hate how having cancer makes you question every single thing that goes on in your body.

Hope I feel better soon. The good news - my hair is growing back pretty fast. It's about 1/4 inch long now. And it's coming in dark. That makes me very happy.

Blessed...Lucky...Loved

I am so lucky. I'm a little emotional today, so can't write much. Just wanted to say how lucky I feel. How blessed and loved I feel. I love this life. More later...