Fickle Feelings

There are mornings, like this morning, when I get out of bed and just HATE my new boobs - they are big and heavy and ugly. And then, there are days when I stand in front of the mirror and MARVEL (and feel very thankful) at the talent and abilities of my plastic surgeon. That I even HAVE boobs is a. maze. ing. Can you say "Fickle"?! I knew ya could.

Did That All Really Happen?

Every once in a while I wake up in the morning and think about everything that has happened to me, and I just can't wrap my head around it. I just can't believe that words and experiences like chemo, mastectomy, surgeries, etc. are part of me.

Does that ever happen to you?

Grateful

I'm so grateful that I live in a country where medical training, research and development of important drugs, and freedom of choice in healthcare are so important and advanced. If I didn't, I wouldn't have been so well taken care of, and maybe wouldn't be here today.

Have 4th of July!

Update: Herceptin, Aches and Pains, and Panic

Just came home from my latest Herceptin appointment. I saw Dr. Bott as well. I showed him the report that said I have Epstein Barr virus and he didn't think that was what is causing my aches and pains. He said that almost everyone over the age of 20 has had EPV, and that the report doesn't prove that's what is wrong right now. I'm kind of annoyed. I really don't know what to think now. For the last several days, I've felt like I have an excuse for feeling awful and needing to rest more. Now, I don't know what to think.

Also, I asked him about the follow up on the cancer. I've been upset because he isn't going to do any big tests (scans) until something hurts or a cough won't go away, etc. But, he explained today, that each time I come to see him, he has blood work done that shows him if anything is wrong - like in my liver. If something bad shows up in the bloodwork, then he'll do a liver scan (or whatever). I feel much better. Yes, because I'm HER2 positive, if the cancer comes back, it will be aggressive. But, Dr. Bott is being aggressive too. So, that's good. Plus, the Herceptin that I've been taking makes my prognosis much better.

I had a difficult time at the cancer center today. I don't know why - I just didn't want to be there, I guess. I can't wait to be done with the Herceptin treatments - I have to continue until the end of October. I felt like I was having a panic attack while I waited today. I guess just looking into the chemo room was enough to make me feel awful. Hmmm. That's never happened before.

This will all pass, I know.

IF... THEN...

It's gone. Really. The doctor cut the cancer out and then cut out all the tissue that it could possibly come back in (mastectomy). Then there was the 5 months of chemo treatments that killed all of the other cancer "seeds" (as my doctor calls them) that were sent throughout my whole body while I had cancer. The scars are healing. My nails are almost grown out. My hair is coming back. I'm on the mend. I'm trying to get back to the way things were before cancer. BUT. There are days when I think the cancer will probably come back. Days when I know that's what I'll die from. It happens to so many people.. 3, 4, 5, 20 years later. I try not to think about it, but it's there in my mind all the time. I know I should just be grateful that the breast cancer is gone, and get on with my life and stop waiting for it to come back. That's easier said than done. Believe me.

I think I'm scared because the only plan my oncologist has for the future is to see me once a year (he'll see me more often for the next two years), and see how I'm feeling. Huh? He says that IF I have a cough that won't go away, or an ache in a muscle that won't clear up, THEN we'll do some testing. Wow. That's just... stupid, insane. Especially when I was HER2 positive (fast-growing, super cancer, remember?). I need to do some research. I'm not sure if HER2 is something that is always there, or if it is completely cleared up with the Herceptin I'm taking. I don't know.

So, no mammogram, obviously. No MRI (that doesn't really work on my chest anyway - but it probably does on the rest of my body). No scans. Nothing. Until I'm already sick. Huh. So, if the cancer comes back, and there is no testing, then won't it be really far advanced when we find it?! YES. It. will. I just know it. Why can't I have some kind of full body scan every year?

I don't want to die from cancer. I don't want to die at all. I want to send my last three sons on missions. I want to see them come home and get married. I want to watch as they succeed in life. I want to play with my grandbabies. I don't want to leave Rick. I don't want to leave anyone.

See what I mean? I'm thinking about stupid things. I know I should be grateful that the cancer was caught so early and that it is gone. I know there are other cancer patients who are much worse off than I ever was. I know all this. But, my mind still goes there in quiet moments. IF... THEN... Yeah, right.

Post Cancer Wishing

I have a good idea, but no money to make it happen!

I wish I had a personal trainer that would help my post-cancer body get back into shape. Someone who knows the limitations that the mastectomy put on my body. Someone who knows what having chemo does to a body. Someone who specializes in helping cancer patients recover. And after I recover, I think it would be a great idea to open a gym just for cancer survivors. That's my good idea. I wish I could help other people recover. Wish there was a money tree in my backyard! Wish, wish, wish...

We agonize over cancer...

Today I was surfing through some quotes about cancer, and I read this one:

"Women agonize... over cancer; we take as a personal threat the lump in every friend's breast." ~Martha Weinman Lear, Heartsounds

It's true! As soon as I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I felt like I needed to make sure my sister, my mom, and my friends were all ok. My mom and sister both had testing done. Everything was a-ok. Then, my friend, Leslie, had a needle biopsy done to check on a lump. Everything was a-ok. Phew! Then, my friend, LoriAnne, got a "call-back" letter after she had a mammogram. The wait for an appointment was agonizing. I didn't want to let her know how worried I was, so I tried to be upbeat and tell her not to worry until she absolutely had to. (That was stupid advice, I admit). But, everything turned out a-ok. Double phew!

Every time someone I know goes in for a mammogram, I seem to hold my breath until the results come back. Is this what having breast cancer has done to me? Made me a nervous wreck? Yeah, probably. It's ok, though. I'd rather be hyper-aware, than unaware. I hope that what happened to me helps my friends and family be hyper-aware too. Being proactive is what saved my life. Know your body. Be aware of changes and then have those changes checked out. Breast cancer is getting to be too normal. Today, when I was at the hospital having blood drawn, I counted no less than 4 other women without hair! I only saw a total of about 20 people, so 5 out of 20 was incredible! They all looked like me - with their hair just starting to grow back. I hope they are all on the road to recovery.

Here's an idea that I've found on several other cancer blogs: do a self-exam on the 15th of every month. I'll try to remind you, ok? If you don't know how to do an exam, go to my sidebar on this blog and find the picture of the self exam and click on it. That will take you to a page that explains how to do the exam. Do it - it could save your life!

A New Season

First, let me update you... I just had my pre-op visit today with my plastic surgeon. Before I got called back to talk to him, I saw another woman in his waiting room. She obviously was getting over a bout with cancer - her hair was just coming back in. She seemed really happy and I wondered if she was going to have reconstructive surgery, too. When my doctor came in to talk to me, he told me that she just had reconstructive surgery last Thursday. I was amazed! No way!! She seemed fine. After just 5 days. No one brought her - she drove herself and she had a huge smile on her face. So, I guess that I'll have to change my skeptical attitude about how long the doctor said it would take to get better. If this woman is any indication of how I'll feel in a week, then he was right! Anyway, we talked about what he was going to do and how long it would take, etc. I'm feeling pretty good about the surgery. 3 days to go.

As I was writing a blog post on my other site (mystorymoments.blogspot.com), I got thinking about spring and how much I love it, and why. It's a time for renewal. My diagnosis came during a season where everything dies and becomes dormant - the fall and winter of last year. Just like the winter season, my cancer journey seemed to drag on until I thought it would never end. It's a wonderful gift to me that I'm starting to bloom again, just like the trees and flowers outside coming back to life. I'm thinking now about the different seasons and - not just the outside seasons - but the seasons of our lives. There seem to be seasons within the seasons of our lives. Right now I'm in the summer of my life, but experiencing winter and spring within that summer. Does that make sense? This cancer journey has been a hard thing to go through. I'm just glad that I get to see a bunch more seasons come and go. And I have hope that I'll make it to the winter of my life.

Blessed...Lucky...Loved

I am so lucky. I'm a little emotional today, so can't write much. Just wanted to say how lucky I feel. How blessed and loved I feel. I love this life. More later...

The Past and Pending

I asked my son Alex to come up with a name for this blog and he came up with The Past and Pending - a Shins song title. It has nothing to do with this blog, but it sounds cool.

Several things have happened in the last few days to make me feel happy. Yesterday, as I was driving south on I-15 in Utah Valley - towards Provo - I realized what an incredibly beautiful day it was. There is nothing like a sunny Utah day - one that comes after a stormy day. The stormy weather clears the air and it's breathtaking - the mountains, covered in snow, are majestic and it just makes you feel so good. So, because I was feeling great, while I was driving to Provo, I started thinking about the good things that have happened that make me happy. I'm kind of tired of being sick, upset, tired, etc. from the cancer, so I've decided to try to be happy and grateful instead. Hmmm....no wonder I feel good!

First of all, I'm through the hardest part of this cancer journey. Finally, I'm through with the chemo. And I'm actually starting to feel better than I've felt for months. In fact, this morning I went for a short walk! Something I haven't been able to do for 8 months. Then, yesterday, I noticed some stubble on my legs. Now, this might sound like bad news to you, but to me it's great! It means that my hair is starting to grow back. I shaved my legs in October and haven't had to shave them since then!

My baby, Matthew, turned 12 this week. He was the last kid to be in both primary (in church) and elementary school. It was a big step for our family. I'm excited for him, but it was kind of bittersweet. I'll have to blog about that some other time.

The thing that has made me those most happy this week is that my missionary son comes home in two weeks. I've been thinking about him every day and it just keeps getting closer. I can't wait. I haven't seen him in 2 years. And I've only talked to him on the phone 4 times.

Yesterday, I was reading a new blog that I'm following and the blogger is so positive and such a good writer. It made me really want to be happy and improve myself. So, here are a few goals I'm going to try to accomplish:

I'd like to be more positive. Even if I'm not feeling great, I'm going to try not to tell anyone that. I think people are just tired of hearing how sick I am. :-) I know I am. I'm feeling great. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling ok. Those are now my only responses. Although, I reserve the right to complain a little after my reconstructive surgery.

I'd like to do a few things each day that will contribute to my recovery and help to make me feel better. I'll try to walk each day. I'll try to remember how much I've been craving water for the past 5 months and drink lots of it every day. I'll try to eat fewer fast food meals and more fruits, veggies, and other good stuff.

I'd like to help my skin to recover. Most especially, the skin on my face. So, I'm going to go find some really good anti-aging type lotion and use it every day. Wrinkles and brown spots - watch out!

And finally, I'd like to become a better blogger. I had a hard time sleeping last night because I was thinking of different things I could blog about. I want to blog about a different thing each day of the week. I'm still working on the schedule, but some of the subjects are: a Family Home Evening lesson (Sundays), a Book of Mormon post or a missionary post (Mondays), My Cancer Journey and Cherish Bound stuff (Tuesdays), Almost Wordless Wednesday (highlighting some of my sons' photographic skills), Book Review - probably on childrens books, because I have such a huge collection of them (Thursdays), Helpful Fridays (things like recipes, quotes, tips, etc), and then on Saturdays you'll get an update on each family member. Phew! I'm really excited to start!

Just writing this blog made me feel good. If you'd like to check out the blog I was reading that motivated me, look under my Blogs That Rock on this page and it's called C Jane Enjoy It.

Oh, one more goal: ever since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I've been wanting to share my story with other people, in the hopes that I can help someone. I would absolutely love to be able to speak to groups of women about the importance of early detection of breast cancer. So, I'm going to work on a presentation and make sure my information is all updated and figure out what I would share. I think it would be good to start with the womens' group in the LDS church, since that's who I'm surrounded by here in Utah. If you know of a group that would want to hear my story, let me know. I can't wait to start helping other people.

Have a great day!